


Five Times Ben Was Awkward and One Time He Wasn't

by SapphoIsBurning



Series: Parks and Recreation, Season [sound of muffled screaming] [2]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: 5+1 Things, AU: Pawnee is infested by demons, Demonic Possession, Demons, F/M, Gen, Supernatural Elements, blood orphans, raccoons - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-13 00:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1206820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphoIsBurning/pseuds/SapphoIsBurning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Leslie thought Ben was acting strange, and one time she realized he was acting strangely normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Ben Was Awkward and One Time He Wasn't

1.

"There is no Leslie, only Zuul," Leslie droned, trying not to giggle. They had caught the end of Ghostbusters on Channel 23 the night before.

"Zuul? What are you doing in Pawnee?" Ben rasped. "I haven't seen you in ages."

"...I am the Gatekeeper. Are you the Keymaster?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "No, Vince Clortho moved to the ninth hell years ago. You know that. Wait a minute, you're not really Zuul, are you."

"No Ben, I'm actually posessed by a fictional demon from a 1980's comedy. That's totally a thing that happens."

He stared at her for a minute.

"I'm joking."

The blank look continues.

Leslie shook her head.  "I'm also going to bed."

2.

"Do you know anyone who sources basalt?"

"What?" Leslie looked up from her laptop and across the coffee table at Ben.

"What?"

"You asked me."

"Oh. Well....I was just wondering?" he growled. "No reason. Thought you might have some rock quarry connections. Parks need rocks. Rocks are good."

"What's basalt?"

"It's a black volcanic rock used to build altars for the darkest of rituals...speaking of dark rituals, do you know where I left my black/red deck?"

"I put it with the rest of them in the games closet. I thought you were drafting tonight?"

"Oh, I am, I just have a friend who wanted to see it."

3.

Leslie was getting dressed when she heard Ben start to sing in the shower.

"O Fortuna! velut luna! statu variabilis!" he rang out in a very deep baritone.

"Honey, do you know Latin?" she asked later while he was tying his tie.

"Of course, we all do. It's the language of the business." He looked up at her. "Of...fanfiction. Latin is the language of fans, which is how I know it. We get together and speak Latin at cons. We tell everyone it's Romulan but it's actually just Latin."

"Why does that not surprise me," she said, shaking her head. Ben seemed relieved. Of course, no one likes being caught chanting in Latin in the shower. But didn't he used to be a tenor?

4.

The post-it read, "Blood-filled calzones." Leslie found it on the refrigerator.

5.

They left the house on their way to a fundraiser for the Pawnee Diabetes Association. There was going to be a competitive eating contest: Andy was going to enter. He had been training for a month.

Approaching where her car was parked on the street, suddenly, seven raccoons swarmed out from under it. They reared back, showing their beady eyes. Leslie tensed and grabbed Ben's arm. "Run, run back to the house! That one's got a knife!"

Ben hissed at the raccoons. They froze, and then scattered.

"Did that raccoon just bow?" Leslie asked.

"No."

"OK Ben, tell me." She turned and looked into his eyes. He looked suddenly scared. "Are you a druid?"

He relaxed. "Yes. That is exactly what I am."

+1.

Ben had scheduled the interview with Perd weeks in advance, but failed to freak out about it for any of those weeks, or minutes even. He was un-freaked. It was an unsettlingly calm summer in Pawnee. There hadn't even been anymore freak raccoon attacks in their neighborhood.

The day of the taping, Leslie, Andy, April, and Tom went down to the studio with him. Tom remembered to pack the Damage Control Tacklebox, which included $10 in quarters, a box of Thin Mints, gaffer tape, tampons, and a burner phone pre-programmed with the numbers of all of Leslie's media contacts.

Perd went live. Ben...didn't go dead. He did really well with his interview. He actually got Perd to like him.

Leslie is suspicious.

"It's like he's not even human," said Tom. "The man's a machine! The man's a god"

Leslie froze. "Or a demon!"

"Or a Transformer!" Andy added.

Repeatedly, Ben turned the conversation toward religious monuments in public parks, and how important they are, and how they can incorporate water features, "but it could be any liquid really, beer, blood...high fructose corn syrup. We could have a Sweetums fountain. The technology exists."

Leslie turned to the others. "No, really. How much do you know about demonic possession?"

They looked at her blankly, except for April, who got an intense look on her face.

"I was raised Catholic. I've seen the Exorcist a bunch of times. So, basically, I've been waiting for this moment my whole life. Give me fifteen minutes, I'll go get the blood orphans."

"April, I said no blood orphans!"

Perd signed off. Ben removed his microphone, shook Perd's hand genially, and walked off the set. "Hey guys. How'd I do?"

"Leslie thinks you're possessed by a supernatural force. Possibly a Transformer."

"That good, eh?" He smiled. Leslie stared at him, her jaw slack. "What. What?"

"BEN I THINK YOU ARE BEING CONTROLLED BY A DEMON OH GOD." She cringed.

"Yeah, Ben, are you a demon?" April asked. "You have to tell us if you are. Demons are like cops."

"What, you expect me to just confess to being a demon using Benji Wyatt as my earthly vessel? That would be silly. Also, demons are not like cops. Cops are terrifying. Demons are perfectly reasonable."

They stared at each other silently. Ben looked back and forth between his friends. "Right? Am I right?"

"Blood orphans!" April shouted, lunging forward. Ben shrieked and ran away, bolting through the outside door and continuing across the parking lot.

Leslie sighed. "I need to call Ron."


End file.
